I'm not swamped with loads of paperworks or all those stuff we usually rant over at work and school. But if I could describe what I'm feeling this past few days, it's literally HELL!
I am the type of person who lets other people see how strong my personality is. However, I'm not too sure if anyone knew about me being so "soft-hearted". I am used to waking up till the wee hours of the morning though I worked like a machine the whole day. I know it isn't healthy at all. But I'd like to let you all know that I try hard to make myself fall asleep. When I worked as a call center agent, I drink medicine tablets that could make me feel drowsy so as to make me doze off (Biogesic, Neozep, etc.). Weird right? But I stopped doing that already. Now that I am in a zombie no more workplace, my sleeping pattern is back for revenge.
I wouldn't mind if I didn't have enough sleep or something. I can totally manage that. What's killing me is that when everyone else is sleeping soundly, here I am already in bed just before midnight, couldn't sleep, thinking of the what-if's in life. And what do I mean by that?
I am a nurse by profession. Almost everyday, we take care of patients with different ailments. Most of the time, I get assigned to male patients who have families. Whether or not they are fathers, mothers, teens, infants or young adults like us, let us try putting ourselves in their position. I have already been assigned to Stations 1, 2, and 3, ICU and ER. I love having small talks with my patients. And I couldn't resist getting close to them right after my shift.
My "what-ifs" started when I was assigned at the Intensive Care Unit. The first patient I got is a male who is at his 50's. I was just doing my usual routine: hourly vital signs, charting, nasogastric tube feeding, giving meds and bedside care. In the middle of my shift, he was visited by his family. They were still all worried. Who can blame them? We would feel the same way if that happens to us, right?. The last one who entered the room was his son. And for the very first time, he CRIED. I left the room to give them privacy and because I know that if I stayed longer, I would shed tears as well. In the back of my mind, what if this happened to my father? No holding back, I would really quit my nursing career, go back to the call center industry ad work my ass off to pay all the bills needed for the hospital just to save my papa. :( I AM POSITIVE THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO HIM. I HAVE A BIGGER FAITH.
Then came the exposure at the emergency room. Nothing came into my mind in particular. While I was at home, relaxing, I received a text message telling me that our previous bone cancer patient was rushed to the ER that night. My heart was crushed. If you could remember, he was the one I was referring to on my previous blog post (the guy we surprised with a birthday cake). Stories went on and on. He even told his parents 'I love you' minutes before they headed to the hospital. While at the ER, he couldn't recognize his own parents anymore. He even punched his mother accidentally in the face while struggling to breathe. My friend was there all the time, holding his head so as to protect it. And later on, he went to respiratory arrest, and got intubated. Another story about him is that, prior to that condition, he told his mother to buy a coat for his girlfriend. SO, what if this happened to me? This isn't like PBB Teens but with everything my boyfriend did for me, I couldn't stand the pain if this would happen to him. :(
Lastly, I was early for my 2PM shift on a Friday; my final duty for the emergency unit exposure. I didn't bother assisting in the intubation since a lot of nurses surrounded the patient already. What I did was to help in ambubagging right after. That day was jam packed. While I was bagging, another one came in (who died right after 45 minutes of CPR), and another one came in (an infant who was saved but in critical condition). I didn't mind bagging for almost 3 hours non-stop since everyone was busy. I just told my patient who was conscious and coherent, "My hands hurt already and I feel tired. But I know you are the one who's much more tired than the two of us. Don't worry, Sir. I am here to help you." (in vernacular ofcourse). Honestly and truly, I said that to my patient. I told his folks to enter the bed area and talk to him. A quiet man, his son, came to him, later bowed his head down. I knew he was holding back the tears. And I was then holding back my tears as well. What moved my tears to come out was when the rest of the children entered and held their father's hand with tears on their eyes. Right after that, his grandchildren entered and cried their hearts out. "Lolo paayo na bala Lolo." (Lolo please get well) And Mr. Lolo who has difficulty breathing continued nodding his head. Me? Tears fell already. Why did I have to be there when they all cried? I had no choice. I was there bagging for more or less 6 hours, still convincing my patient that I am there to help him until there were episodes of good sleep on him. :) Making sure that I don't sound like I cried, I told my patient, "Sir, see? A lot of people love you. Please fight. We're here praying for you. I'm here by your side, helping you."
Quite a long post right? Sorry! I couldn't sleep. Later is going to be my first day in the Hemodialysis unit. Hoping for a "no-code-2weeks-duty".
Life indeed is too short. Let's not waste it. We might regret what we let slip away. Just like that song huh.
I'mma end this. Too much of everything in my head.
Good health for everyone!